Jan Fox Petersen

WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT BEING YOUR AGE?
Perspective, I’m grateful to have had this long to live. You realize that life goes on. Whatever happens, the light will always shine through the darkness. Nothing is as big as we make it to be. I was taught that as a woman to be nice, to please other people, and fit in the box. But I’m very much outside the box, I’m outspoken and I probably speak up too much. I’m glad to have a voice because I didn’t feel like I had one when I was younger.

WHAT HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU ENDURED THAT YOU FEEL HAVE MADE YOU STRONGER?
There have been a few by this time. My life forever changed when I was six. We lived with my grandmother and grandfather in Riverside, and life was good. At age six my grandmother got cancer and they didn’t really believe in doctors. My grandmother was my significant, I called her mother. I was very close to her and to lose her at that time was very hard. You didn’t deal with grief openly and it was tough, she was the center, the matriarch, the glue, and the warmth. Losing my grandmother at such an early age was traumatic, it changed my life. I drew the most comfort from a friend who was the same age who had just lost her father a month earlier, we silently grieved together, she knew the pain I was feeling.

Another time, I was sick at home, and the family had gone to church. A person broke into our house, and I ran upstairs and was able to hide in my brother’s closet behind boxes. He was in the house for quite some time, and it was traumatic.

And then it was challenging when my mother started questioning her sexuality. I noticed it probably when I was twelve and back then there were no words for gay or lesbian and it was all a secret. She left when I was 16 to move in with her partner. There was no conversation about it and my father moved out to be with his partner. I was left to fend for myself, those first years were tough and confusing. My father was amazing and said I love your mother so much that I want her to love who she loves and I’m going to love who she loves. So, when the family came together, we learned to really accept diversity. And while that was painful it was also powerful. It really makes me who I am today. 

My grandfather was very supportive of people of color, he was ahead of his time. He suffered for hiring black people in his tailor shop. He always said, ‘No matter what we go through, it’s nothing in comparison to what our black and brown counterparts are going through’. His last words for me, before he passed, he looked at me and said, ‘See I’ve told you, our blood always flows through our veins the same’. He had a nurse’s aide from Kenya, and he encouraged him to go to medical school.

I come from very kind gentle and open-minded people and I’m so thankful for my heritage.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
Having three children who are exceptionally humane. I’m so happy with how they are living their lives. I was proud when I got my doctorate, it made me happy to achieve that dissertation. And Dan and I have been together for almost five years. I never dreamed I’d meet the love of my life at this age. I didn’t need someone to complete my life, I was very happy as an independent single woman, I’m glad I had that time to live with myself, enjoy my own company, walk anywhere by myself, and travel by myself, that was a great experience.  But it’s been fun to have a partner like Dan, someone I’m so compatible with.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
I’m not an extravagant person, I’m conservative in how I live my life. One thing I did do was travel to Canada for 3 weeks. I visited Toronto and Montreal after a conference in Philadelphia and had a great time. Traveling independently as a single woman, and meeting the coolest people, was extravagant for me.
Dan has exposed me more to extravagance than I did myself, we’re going to Ireland this fall, and we’ve taken some cool trips here in the US. It’s a privilege to be able to travel.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
I love my home in this neighborhood I so love and grew up in. And the art within my home. I have two pieces from a very dear friend, Johnny Sutton. Those are really treasured because he’s a dear friend and thoughtful person. I don’t really care about possessions that much but my art that I have, all the pieces in my house have been done by someone I know.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING YOU HAVE CHECKED OFF YOUR BUCKET LIST?
Going to Canada. A friend of mine had gotten back from Toronto and she told me Canada is your place, you must go. I first tucked that away, but I knew I needed to go, that was such a treasured experience.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS?
Being in the moment. If we concentrate too much on the past we get lost, and if we get too caught up in the future we worry. Real happiness is being present. One of Mahatma Gandhi’s lessons is ‘Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I try to identify who I want to be and if my behaviors don’t line up, I want to make sure I make it right. I want to live a congruent life, a truthful life.
And dancing brings me pure happiness!

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF?
Seek help, you must lean on people, you can’t get through this life isolated. I was dealing with so much anxiety and grief I think therapy would have been beneficial to me. To be able to talk about all the anxiety. Also, to speak up more, and let the people in my life know that I was suffering rather than keeping it all inside.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR YOUNGER WOMEN?
Choose your people well and be explicit about what it is you need for your life and for your relationships. Be authentic about that, life is too short. You want to make sure you start with yourself; reflect on the areas you need to grow and choose people who are willing to grow too. When you have two people who are willing to reflect on their own behaviors and really communicate honestly, things discuss so much better, whether it’s a friendship or an intimate relationship.
For women, it’s important to be very explicit about what you need. Often, we don’t get what we need because we don’t know what we want in the first place. And in the second place, we don’t ask for it.

WHAT IS A TRAIT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF?
I’m passionate about creating a more peaceful world. That’s the work I was doing for nearly 25 years for the Wichita Public Schools and now I’m looking forward to the next adventure where my voice will be utilized to speak for a more loving compassionate civil society.
Because of my privilege, my life is not threatened because I speak up about peace and nonviolent communication. I realize in many other countries speaking up about peace can be life-threatening. I’m very appreciative that I can speak up about that.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO OR FAVORITE QUOTE?
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple ~Barry Switzer

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Authenticity, love, reciprocating, showing up, being authentic. That’s how friendships are built, people are important enough to you that you turn up.

HOW DID YOU CHANGE OVER THE YEARS?
I’ve become more vocal. I was in an honors math class when I was in 7th grade and the teacher basically told me not to worry about math, your job is to smile, sit there, and look pretty. That’s the message I got from school. I grew up thinking I did not have a voice. I’ve learned there’s so much more to life than that and speaking up as a female is important. We need women with wisdom and compassion.

Our culture is backward in many ways, what’s up should be down and what’s down should be up. It’s gotten better over the years, but we’ve got to keep moving forward. We need to include men in the process too. When we ostracize the very people who can be our allies, we need everyone to come to the table to speak up for a better, more peaceful, less violent world.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
To get out of my way, I have always been my own worst enemy. I’m constantly working on that, doubting myself, questioning myself, I’m hard on myself. That’s a lifetime journey for me.

WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR THE FUTURE GENERATIONS?
A kinder, more civil, more compassionate world. All three of my children have been impacted greatly by violence and it saddens me so much. Nothing prepared me for the level of violence that my children would see and experience. I’m concerned about where we’re all headed, just because we have a disagreement doesn’t mean we can demonize or hate each other. We can do better as humans; this is not the world I want for our children.
I’m an optimist at heart, the light always shines through the darkness, but the chaos we have right now, the gun violence, just violence in communities and across the world, that’s the number one thing I wish we could change.

WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY AT THIS AGE?
Laugher; when people show their humor, not at the expense of others but see the humor behind what goes on in our culture. When someone can laugh at themselves and the absurdity of life. Joy for me is seeing the silliness of life and not forgetting to play. No matter how old you are, be childlike, where you can be silly and laugh.

WHAT IS YOUR SUPERPOWER?
Compassionate accountability. I believe in empathy and compassion for others. I can have compassion for others and where they’re coming from and speak to things that may be hurtful to me or others.

DO YOU LIKE BEING 40+?
Very much so. I learned that at this point I really want to be with people that reciprocate love, people who will turn up and show up. Life is short and I don’t have energy for people I really have to work at for them to be present with me. So, I move on and find people who really want to be present and want to be in the friendship circle. I don’t worry about stuff so much. I prefer being 40 plus and I don’t want to go back.
My first child was born when I was 22 and my third child when I was 32. Having children was great, they were kind kids and not difficult. They had challenges that made life challenging for them and for me, but they are wonderful human beings. So that part of my life, having children, was great, but other than that I wouldn’t want to return.

WHEN IN YOUR LIFE, SO FAR, HAVE YOU FELT MOST CONFIDENT, AND WHY?
I always had to work on my confidence. Throughout my whole life, I’ve been my own worst enemy. I came into this work called restorative practices. It’s about how we maintain healthy relationships and human dignity even when we disagree with one another. I became passionate about that, about 15 years ago, and I learned to speak up. The world is so chaotic, there’s so much violence and people must be willing to stand up and show another way of living together.
The approach to restorative practices is the African proverb of Ubuntu, meaning if you’re hurting, I’m hurting. Through that body of work and the research I’ve done, I became a trainer and speaker. Something I never thought I would do. I used to be a school psychologist and I would evaluate kids. Once I found that passion, I learned to find my voice and speak up.