Ashley Miller

WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT BEING YOUR AGE?
Maturity and confidence. I have more confidence in my 40s than before. I have learned to self-reflect to continue to improve myself.

Also being a mom at this age is an incredible experience, to be in my late 40s and have two 13-year-old boys. My boys and I have a different level of relationship than I remember having with my parents when I was in 8th grade because they were a lot younger.

WHAT HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU ENDURED THAT YOU FEEL HAVE MADE YOU STRONGER?
I grew up in a little town in Western Kentucky. My dad worked in the coal mines and my mom always worked but didn’t have a career occupation.

We didn’t have a lot of money, but my parents had the desire to live like we had more money than we did. People didn’t necessarily think we were poor, but we were poor. I would often come home, and we wouldn’t have electricity because we didn’t pay the bill. We wouldn’t have gas to turn on the stove because we chose to buy clothes and not pay the bill. Growing up like that, it was my normal, but it was frustrating at times.

Having to deal with those types of things and the social perception that we were different. There was kind of a curtain around our family and people might have thought that we could afford to drive the new truck, but really it was causing a significant amount of stress and pressure.

That hardship gave me a whole different perspective on life as I took control of my own adult life. And I feel like it has allowed me to make better long-term decisions, to support not only my livelihood but my family, my husband, the way I engage in work, and so on.

My work ethic came from that. I started working young because it was and still is very important to me. I started working when I was 12 in my uncle’s produce shack on the side of the road, selling peaches and things he’d bring from Georgia.  I’ve worked ever since.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?

My kids. When Kevin and I met, about 22 years ago, we were adamant we were not going to have children. That’s partially why we liked each other, because we were not going to have children.

We had dogs, we traveled, we did all the things we wanted to do. We didn’t really decide to have kids but at one point we decided to not take birth control anymore because I was getting older, and I didn’t want the hormones anymore. We were both convinced we probably couldn’t even have kids because we never had a scare. Three months later, I was pregnant with twins. I had never changed a diaper, never babysat, not even my nieces and nephews.

We both had very time-consuming jobs. I always wanted a career, that’s what I focused on. So, when we ‘accidentally’ got pregnant, we knew there was a risk so it wasn’t really an accident, I really was panicked.

Now fast forward almost 14 years, we have been so fortunate to be able to apply what we know and what we do to have fantastic kids. They are awesome, smart, they are social and very engaging. Most importantly, we can sit around the table at dinner every night and we like each other. We love and like each other, we chat and talk and laugh.

It’s very hard to be a parent no matter what, no matter what hand you’re dealt, because you never know if your kids are going to have mental issues or physical disabilities. Our ability to dive in and apply our values and beliefs to raising these kids has really been fantastic.

You never know what the future is going to hold, but they really make me feel like I could do anything.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
My purse collection or you could call it my purse addiction. Buying designer handbags is my indulgence. I really like handbags, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Prada, and Chloe. When I have accomplished something big, I treat myself. I love going to places that have a Gucci store, it’s not as satisfying when you order it online. The first purse I bought was in Paris at the Louis Vuitton store. I was there with a colleague, and we had accomplished a lot with our international business, and I treated myself to a bag.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING YOU HAVE CHECKED OFF YOUR BUCKET LIST?
Running a marathon before I turned 40, I have since run 4 and if all goes well will be running my 5^th this year.

That was a huge accomplishment because I was never a runner or played sports. I started running in my mid-30s, my body was changing, I was gaining weight and I needed something I could do to be active. Out of the clear blue sky, I decided to run a marathon before I turned 40. No idea why other than I needed a goal. I turned 40 in November and ran the race in October.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS?
I don’t think there’s such a thing as perfect happiness. The word perfect in and of itself creates a whole perspective that I think is unachievable. Happiness to me is a healthy family and a healthy family dynamic. I can’t think about perfection in terms of happiness. I think life requires that we are not happy all the time.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF?
When I was younger, in middle school time frame, I was ridiculously insecure. I never talked to anybody about it. If I were to give my younger self advice it would be to find people you can confide in. It doesn’t have to be your mom or sister, it could be a teacher or cousin. I never let myself do that. Instead, I held a bunch of things in, which later in life turned into anger. I wonder if I had allowed other influences into my life if I would have gotten to a different headspace faster.

Open your mind and understand it takes a village, let those influences in, and don’t be afraid of it.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR YOUNGER WOMEN?
One thing that comes to mind is for younger women to network, don’t be afraid of connecting with women. We tend to be standoffish, giving the impression we’re competing with each other. It’s critical we stay together versus competing against one another. I see that the younger generation is better at that, but we still have a long way to go. Leverage that female network, female is the future. The only thing standing in our way is ourselves right now.

WHAT IS A TRAIT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF?
My ability to get shit done. I’m not organized but I have a way of recognizing what needs to be prioritized to create the result we’re hoping for. Determining what the absolutes are before you waste time on the peripheral, that’s key to success. Maybe it’s prioritizing, critical thinking in general about all the different data points, and recognizing which ones are critical.

I can get passionate and excited about something and really kind of dig in and leading through that passion is a trait I’m proud of. Seeing people feed off that passion and get equally excited about a particular situation that’s cool.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO OR FAVORITE QUOTE?
Choose courage over comfort from Brené Brown.
I think sometimes people will choose to not fight the battle or try to drive the change; they choose to stay comfortable. It takes courage to transform so choosing courage over comfort is critical.

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Healthy boundaries, everybody is very busy, and it’s tough to make time for everybody. In friendships sometimes you go a little longer without seeing each other. My closest friends understand if we go a week without talking it would never be because I don’t want to talk to them or I’m not making time for them. Boundaries are important, you don’t want to feel like there’s an expectation you have to commit to a certain level of engagement to still be friends. I keep a small circle of what I would consider true close friends.

HOW DID YOU CHANGE OVER THE YEARS?
I got more confident and my temperament in general. Because of the way I grew up and for a variety of reasons, one being my sister’s and mom’s big personalities. Once I realized I could also come in and have a big personality and make things happen I leveraged it. I was passionate about stuff and went from being very insecure to I’m going to be the person who will confront everything head-on. I didn’t care about a title or if they were male or female, I was going to hit them head-on. It worked for a period, and I got to a point where it started to tip and balance, and my passion started overwriting my effectiveness. I had to learn how to scale back and still be effective and influential and get things done. Without being chaotic, bold, and super aggressive.

I am kind of what you see is what you get and had to learn how to be authentic and passionate where it mattered but also be able to scale it back.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I tend to overanalyze. If I could figure out a way to let things go, without having to spend 100,000 hours thinking it repeatedly in my head, that would be a thing that I would like to change.

WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR THE FUTURE GENERATIONS?
I hope they can figure out a way to maintain healthy societal norms with all the technology that we have hitting us left and right all the time.

I talk to my kids about this all the time. They are very social creatures, but because of all the technology, we’re isolating ourselves more because we’re interacting with the algorithm and not with other people. So, maintain healthy societal norms, go out with people, go to book clubs, and get out and physically see people.

WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY AT THIS AGE?
My family, our ability to sit at the table and have a conversation, and we like each other, that brings me such joy.

I remember in my childhood; my sister is five years older than me and was already out of the house by the time I was my boy’s age. When we were younger my family was all we saw. There was a lot of yelling and screaming at each other and it was just a mess most days. We really did not like each other sometimes. Subconsciously I think that might have been the reason I didn’t want to have kids. I thought if that’s life with a family I don’t want that.

Now when I think about our ability to sit and talk, we have a healthy relationship. My boys are very open with us, they trust us and confide in us. That’s cool.

And then the other thing is our success has given us some financial comfort. It might sound materialistic but the comfort that comes with it makes my life feel more complete. You could be just as joyful without it, you must live within your means, but it brings calm into our lives.

WHAT IS YOUR SUPERPOWER?
My superpower is that I can get shit done. I can take a situation, whether it’s work or people or personal, and put the pieces together and complete the puzzle. Or land the plane as I like to say.

I really can’t explain it other than I can kind of see all the different things that need to get done to complete the puzzle.

DO YOU LIKE BEING 40+?
I do, no hesitation. When I was in my 30’s a couple of women told me I’d love my 40s and 50s because of the confidence that comes with it. I wondered how you have more confidence when you’re getting older and saggy and grey. All that stuff doesn’t matter anymore, well maybe it does a little.

I have also found my appetite for learning as I’ve gotten older, and I love that. In your 20s and 30s, a lot of energy gets consumed on relationship stuff and growing your professional career and that’s different now. I have extra energy and use it to learn, read and listen to podcasts. I find it makes me happy to have knowledge.

WHEN IN YOUR LIFE,  SO FAR, HAVE YOU FELT MOST CONFIDENT, AND WHY?
Right now. This confidence journey started probably when I was 42-43, I recognized that it was happening. I still have insecurities, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t dwell on the insecurity as much as I used to.

Truly understanding that I have the capability to go do great things, whether it’s personal or work. So yeah, I think it has to be now. Hopefully, it just keeps getting better.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD?
I don’t like to talk about myself, so I had some anxiety about this interview before. But when I saw this opportunity, the 40 over 40 Project, even though it gives me anxiety, if it helps other women to look at another women’s journey then it’s worth it.