Brandi Newry

WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT BEING YOUR AGE?
Maybe I’m jinxing myself, but the hard part is over: the school, what you will be when you grow up, and the grind of becoming who you will be. I feel like I’ve been through that. I checked some things off, and I look at kids who are still in college and think I’ve been there and done that, three times actually, and I’m not going back. Some of that grind that you go through in your young adulthood, that part is over.

WHAT HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU ENDURED THAT YOU FEEL HAVE MADE YOU STRONGER?
I moved to Kansas City, which wasn’t something I would typically do, so everyone was in shock. But moving there, not knowing anyone, and making my own little life, I can’t believe I did that.
I didn’t think I’d make it a year, but I made it six years. It felt uncomfortable at times, but I told myself I’d get up there and make these people like me. It was maybe not really a hardship, but more an experiment for myself.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
I made it through some unfortunate experiences. I’ve been in some not-so-great romantic relationships, and people don’t know the damage they cause. The other person doesn’t know the extent to which they’ve hurt you and everything you must go through to heal and come out of that.
I was married in a former life, and when I tell people what happened, they’re like, how are you still standing? While it’s been a lot of hard work to, in some ways, literally pick myself up off the floor and reinvent myself. And to figure out who I am again because I didn’t know who I was.
I knew who I was before, and then when I was in it, I would look back at pictures of myself and think wow, I remember that girl. I remember her; how did she land here? And then again, to come out of that, I had to figure out who I was all over again. I won’t ever be that girl again, but to figure it out again and to decide where the boundaries are now, to decide who I will bring into my life and who I want.
That would be my biggest, my greatest achievement, the work I had to do within myself to come out of that still wanting to be a better person and figure out how to be vulnerable in a relationship.
Still wanting that and doing the work that it requires, I could have just given up, I could have been jaded, and I was. Don’t get me wrong, I had to go through it to heal, but even my cousins are like I don’t know how you’re still here, I don’t know how you didn’t find yourself in jail, I don’t know how you didn’t lose it. So, my greatest achievement is healing.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
Self-care, hands down. I like nice things and spending money on a little pampering here and there: massages, facials, and nice clothes. If I spend my money, I want it to be quality. My greatest extravagance is just taking care of myself.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
My health, I’m so thankful to be healthy. So many people aren’t healthy, and there’s not always an easy cure or remedy for some illnesses and diseases. I’m just happy to be healthy, able-bodied, and able to work out.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING YOU HAVE CHECKED OFF YOUR BUCKET LIST?
My bucket list includes places I want to visit. One of my favorite places was the Grand Canyon. I became obsessed with it, and once I returned, I watched every documentary about it to learn more about it. Next, I want to go to Niagara Falls, the Redwood Forest, and Crater Lake.
I run into many people who want to go to Anguilla or other places overseas. But there are so many places on the mainland that I want to visit.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS?
Perfect happiness is having inner peace and understanding that life will come at you, but if you are in your right mind, you can handle what life throws at you. Inner peace is having a strong foundation to handle what life throws at you. If you have a support system, people to lean on and to call on, to bring you into the fold when that happens, that’s happiness.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF?
You are enough, relax. And to find the off button, that it’s enough not to overachieve or overgive, I’m a perfectionist. Some of that is by nature, and some by nurture. At this age, I realize how counterproductive that can be. I’ve listened to podcasts by Brené Brown and read books because being a perfectionist can, in a way, hold you back.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR YOUNGER WOMEN?
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries—those are my three words for them.
There has to be a line somewhere for yourself not to overgive. It’s important to set boundaries in how people treat you and know where you stand and what you believe in. You need to verbalize that and be clear about where that line is. You need boundaries in friendships, family, work, and romantic relationships. Boundaries keep us safe; they don’t keep people away, just like we have fences and locks on our doors.

WHAT IS A TRAIT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF?
I am dependable; if I say I’m going to be there, I will be there.
You can count on me to get something done, be present, and make it happen, but I also show up for people.
I’m dependable in a relational way. I have a different lifestyle, am single, and don’t have kids, so I can be there for others. I show up for others in a way that maybe I wouldn’t be able to if I had a family. I can be a different kind of friend, a different kind of sister, and a different kind of daughter to the people who matter most to me. And I’m happy about that.
The way I’ve come about being single with no children was no walk in the park. But I believe that in my trauma, in the crisis that I had that changed the trajectory of my life, in that loss, I feel I’ve been able to be a blessing to others.
I am available, and I wouldn’t have the relationship I have with my nieces and nephews if I had my own kids.
I have to find the blessing in my tragedy, if you will. That has been my resolve over the past 10 to 12 years. There was a loss, and some not-so-great things happened. But I’m very proud to have gone to enough therapy to turn that around into a blessing and be a blessing to others.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO OR FAVORITE QUOTE?
Fix what breaks your heart.
Put your energy, effort, and empathy into that problem or that thing that breaks your heart. That’s how we get better as people.

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS?
I value in my friends that they listen and do not try to change my mind or shift my perspective.
Some people will say I want my friends to be honest. But sometimes I have really big feelings, and whatever that thing is, if it just happened, I’m not ready for the truth yet. I need my friend to listen and not condemn me for having my big feelings, not condemn me for being in that relationship too long, and sit with me here in this mess, in this messy space for a bit. When I come out of this fog, we can have honest conversations. Sometimes, you have to sit in it with the person; that’s what I value in a friend.

HOW DID YOU CHANGE OVER THE YEARS?
I’ve changed because of the way some people have treated me. Because I’m a perfectionist, I thought if I’m perfect, you’ll treat me well regardless of whatever you have going on. I always had a hard time thinking that if I could just be perfect, then people would treat me well. This is not true. I sat in that for a really long time, but I had to realize that people don’t treat you how they feel about you; they treat you to the extent of their capacity. If someone has their own stuff inside their own unrest, then their capacity to treat people well is limited. That has nothing to do with me, whether or not I’m perfect.
What I’ve learned and how I’ve changed my perspective on just any interaction (friends, strangers on the street, that Lady in the airport who yelled at me this summer) is that it is not always about me.
We can only do so much inner work; this is more about how you feel about yourself and where you are in life. I can’t always take things personally, and I can’t always carry that weight.
I’ve realized I have to be the best version of myself.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I’m not a New Year’s resolution person, but I try to reflect, so my New Year’s thing was to see myself through the lens that other people see me. I have so many people in my life who think I’m amazing, believe that I knock it out of the park every time, and, quite frankly, look up to me. I don’t see myself through that same lens; my goal has been to see myself as other people see me. My inner critic is loud and very fierce, and I’m trying to quiet that and turn up the volume of how other people see me.

WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR THE FUTURE GENERATIONS?
I hope they can get it right. I hope they can find value in treating people with dignity regardless of their gender, race, disabilities, or any of the other different ways that humans show up.
I hope they treat each other with dignity, and I think the word tolerance used to be used more often. When you think of tolerating someone, I’ll put up with you, right? But when you use the word dignity, more honor and regard comes with that. I hope they can get it right, and I don’t even mean the politicians; that is just a small sector of the human experience. But on a daily basis, can they get it right and spread that from the bottom up?

WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY AT THIS AGE?
My freedom brings me the most joy at this age; I live a different life than most 42-year-olds. I’m not married, and I don’t have any children. Sometimes, I look at other people my age and see them trucking their kids around to soccer or basketball, conferences, and school. I have a lot of freedom and some disposable income to go along with that freedom. I’m doing alright.

WHAT IS YOUR SUPERPOWER?
My superpower lies in the fact that when I’m listening to others or when people confide in me, I can listen to them without judgment. I’ve been through some things and found myself in situations I never thought I would be in. These were places or situations where I could not believe this was my life then. When people bring something to me as a friend or someone they feel comfortable talking to, I can do that, and I don’t try to shame or question them.
For me, being a psychologist, when I find myself in, you know, these conundrums, people think, how did you not know that? But do we say that to doctors when they get sick? We don’t say that to teachers who have children themselves who have learning disabilities. Certain things in life you can’t control.
When people bring that to me, I can completely empathize; I’m not there to shame or condemn them; I’m here to listen without judgment.

DO YOU LIKE BEING 40+?
Yes and no, is that an acceptable answer? Yes, I do because I feel more established. We’re all out here winging it as adults; we’re just making it up as we go. I like being my age, and then sometimes I like being my age in a way or in the context of I’m glad I can still do what I can at my age. I’m still very active and fun, and I worked with kids for 15 years; they keep me young. I might be 42, but sometimes I feel like I’m 22. I like the comparison and to say I am this age, but I’m still able to do all these things, and I still feel trendy; I’m a trendy 42-year-old.

WHEN IN YOUR LIFE, SO FAR, HAVE YOU FELT MOST CONFIDENT, AND WHY?
I don’t know if it’s a specific time, but I’m most confident when telling my story. Nobody else has more knowledge of me than I do. When you’re talking about other things, others may be more researched or well versed, or they want to be, you know, a contrarian, then it kind of messes with your confidence. But when I’m telling my story, what I’ve been through, and my lived experiences, I’m very confident and sure in what I know to be true.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADD?
I don’t think so; those are all my pearls of wisdom.
I’ve had a blessed life, I really have. I’ve just been so blessed despite the stuff that life has thrown at me because I have that support; I have my people that I can lean into.